Something is really depressing about sadness. I seldom get sad. I am often depressed. Recently, however, I have been swallowed by this old feeling of sadness. Not really constantly. But close. Almost. And, over just anything.
The moon.
The new moon.
The full moon four nights ago.
The rain yesterday.
The sun today.
The overcast today.
The neighbor's radio this morning.
The news.
Les Miserables.
The letter I wrote.
My expecting of a text message.
The text message that I did not get.
The text message that I got.
The pine trees at Agusan del Sur.
The dried up river of Compostela Valley.
Diwalwal.
Space Burger's cheeseburger
The fries...
And the mustard...
My yellow shirt.
My cellphone; the refusing keypad.
My lover.
My former lover.
The lover that I almost had.
The lover that I will never have.
The lover that I will never become.
His stare.
And the smile...
Actually, it was a grin.
and more.
"I have a bisexually open mind, but I have never been in a sexual relationship with a man. If the right one came along, then sure."---Jason Mraz, Genre Mag, August 2005
A couple of birthday celebrations ago, my friend, Lulu, gave me a framed nicely put together decent photos of Jason Mraz. Several years ago, even before I officially came out, silently--within the confines of my overly-tight room I nicknamed Coffin--I made a number of orgasms courtesy of Jason Mraz.
Recently, I saw a set of Mraz photos that would have made my previous orgasms a real blast. Here they are:
Nawala ako ng matagal. Mahigit dalawang linggo. Nakipagdaupang palad sa mga lumad ng Agusan del Sur na buong tatag ang pagtutol sa mga hakbang na matitulohan ang kanilang ancestral domain sa pamamagitan ng prosesong tinatawag na Certificate of Ancestral Domain Titling Nasa kanila ang puso ko--bakit nga naman kailangang patitulohan pa ang isang lupa na iyo na? Para saan? Para kanino? Tapos?
Ang mga lumad na nakausap ko ay ibang kwento. Ang kwento ko ngayon ay tungkol sa aking Lover. Sa lakad ko, nakita ko uli sya. Hindi naman talaga si Lover ang numero unong sadya ko sa lakad kong iyon. Swear. Pero, tama, parte syempre siya ng lakad ko. Ilang buwan ko na ring hindi nakita at nakausap si Lover kaya sobrang saya ko syempre nong makita ko syang muli.
Pero busy ang Lover ko. Umalis akong wala siya. I mean, hindi kami nagkausap man lang bago ako umalis. Naipalam naman sa kanyang aalis na ako pero akala daw nya--sabi nya sa akin sa text--na binibiro lang sya nong sabihin sa kanyang aalis na muna ako.
Dahil wala sya, sinulatan ko si Lover, isang bagay na hindi ko ginawa nong kami pa ni Athan.
--
April 3, 2008
Lover,
Allow these goodies (15 pcs ng kisses chocolate, isang pakete ng swiss miss, at dalawang balot ng oreo cookies--bananachoked) to make up for my lack of balls to personally thank you for carrying my heavy bag that day when all reasons conspired to favor you--that day when I saw you as an oblivious lover walking ahead a demented soul thawed by the drizzle, and an apparition close to being that of a god.
That day, I saw myself silently tailing my god.
Bitaw, kanang, daghan man kaayo ko'g rason nga magpasalamat ug pasalamatan.
For one, I wasn't really expecting that you would finally talk to me, something that eroded my perception of you being a hopeless and congenital snub. But yes, you talked to me and you did more than talk to me.
For another, I was really swept away by your effort to carry my stuff despite your hubag and lusay (boil and swelling lymph node, groin particularly--bananachoked) and even offering another hand to carry my backpack after that long and tiring walk.
My bad, in retrospect, to decline what could have been an offer reeking of nothing but sincerity. Dapat pala sana pinatulan ko na ang offer mo at hinayaan lang dalhin ang isa pang mabigat kong backpack if only through it we can possibly find the remotest and mundanest connection that mortals so long to find with each other.
Btw, I hope you don't mind my calling you my lover or my god or my penchant to name call. You see, you're also my demon.
Bananachoked
