death

you expell rants that make you actually sound like a parrot lousily parroting some theorists and factists that offered sad truths about life and the lack of it. by life it's a given that gayness is a given fact. so you spew all that you've heard from oprah's guests whose names you can't remember now. and you underscore what you've read from writers whose names sounded jewish so you have the difficulty of pronouncing them. and you do this as if you will never see the sun three hours later. and--with feelings--you stress, you puncuate. you are the center of the universe. and you are getting undivided attention. you know that for you to persuade them, you must persuade yourself first. and the world crumbles and you are a witness to this. just like how your blinding eyes are witnesses to the death of yet another stick of marlboro. you are frustrated because your parroting is nearing its death. because they dismiss your parroting of the theorists and factists as "that's only your opinion."

sa pagpapakamatay

Sa Jaby. Noong isang gabi...

Bananas: Kung magsu-suicide ka, paano mo ito gagawin?

Fritz: Ako, gusto kong tumalon from a building. But that's messy, diba?

Bananas: Yes...mahihirapan tayong walisin at i-gather ang iyong utak. And imagine the splatter of your blood. Would be all over.

Jepoy gamay: Ang mo-morbid nyo! (Pouts lips. Balik sa laptop)

Bananas: Nasubukan ko na dati maglaslas. Masakit sya. It would be a painful death if ever. And slow. Mararamdaman ko ang sarili kong death.

Fritz: Ano sa tingin mo kung magpa-bangga ako sa rumaragasang sasakyan?

Bananas: Sus! Idadamay mo pa ang driver sa death mo?

Fritz: Pwede na ring magbaril.

Bananas: Pero may baril ka ba?

Fritz: Wala...

Bananas: Wala na ang baril sa usapan.

Bananas: Ako kung magpapakamatay, magha-hang. Quick death.

Hours later over bottles of beer sa Boystown...

Bananas: Kung magpapakamatay ako, ano ang gagawin mo?

Jepoy gamay: (deadma lang. drink lang ng beer. pout lang ng lips after)

Fritz: Ako? Magiging proud ako.

Bananas: Ha?

Fritz: Proud ako na kilala kita. At kaibigan kita. At nagpakamatay ka.

Bananas: You will write my story. I will give you the license to do it.

Fritz: Ako?

Bananas: Yes. Share kayo ni Louie. And Rolanda. (Si Louie ay cousin ni Fritz na sobrang friend ko rin. Si Rolanda ay another writer friend na kilala ako, more or less.)

Hours later sa room ko. With R.

Bananas: Kung magpapakamatay ka, paano mo ito gagawin?

R: Tatalon...

Bananas: Parang si Fritz. Ako mag-ha-hang. Para madaling-madali.

R: Bad ang pagpapakamatay.

Bananas: Bakit bad?

R: Kasi it's bad. Dapat di mo pinapatay ang sarili mo.

Bananas: (no comment)

R: (Medyo high-strung na) Bakit ka magpapakamatay? Ano ba ang problema mo? Lahat ng problema ay pwedeng i-solve!

Bananas: (no comment lang)

R: Magbasa ka nga ng bible!

Bananas: Sinabi ko bang magpapakamatay ako? Nagtatanong lang naman...

R: Magbasa ka pa rin ng bible!!!